:: Wednesday, May 18, 2005 ::

I'm still worried after today. It scares me. Just the very thought scares me to death. The question is, how irrational is my fear? It started out very real. I can't remember the last time my heart raced so hard and I felt dizzy and nauseous and had to physically sit down and collect myself. I got home thinking, "hey, everything is back to normal." But something doesn't feel normal. It's probably just an aftershock. I am having a hard time adjusting from "I was thinking of breaking up with you" to "everything is just fine now." That last part is a lie - we both know everything isn't "just fine." Then again, what relationship ever is? Maybe it's just fine with her, but not me... no no, that can't be right it's both of us. I still just don't know. We talked and talked, and reached some good conclusions, but I'm still not seeing progress. For me, if I see a problem and recognize it, it's easy for me to take the next rational step and erradicate it from my mind. I have to remind myself that it's just not that simple for some people, and I get frustrated sometimes. I can't help it. I can't help a lot of things apparently.

I don't want it to even be a possibility. The fact that it was a possibility nay a likelihood less than 12 hours ago still lingers over me tonight I think. I don't know where lines should be drawn anymore. I think I have decided (and she knows this) to let her draw the lines for a while and see where that leads us. I've been drawing the lines for two years now and it's not working. I can't figure it out. Staying with her hasn't really helped her cause, but leaving sure as hell wouldn't help either. So what can I do? I feel rather worthless. No influence. God, my mind keeps floating back to the first message I got before I left immediately. It shouldn't. That moment is gone, those words mean nothing now that we've talked... or do they? No, no they don't. They can't. She said it herself. I just hope she didn't say it merely because I was there and she didn't want to feel worse, or didn't want to make me feel worse. I don't believe what she said at first. School is stressful she admitted that herself, and add that to self-confidence dilemmas you have one tired Megan. She didn't mean it.

I don't feel like going over mushy details in this blog. I love her dearly, I still do, and she says she loves me too. I think we just need to strike some middle ground between our wants and needs. Who is asking for too much? Should it be asked at all? Benefits, drawbacks... It's all rushing through my head. I hope this gets figured out soon. I have no way to rush it though, all out of my control, remember? God Dammit. I just hope I can last longer without everything figured out. I need something reassuring right now. The reassuring from the park seems to have worn off.

This is going to haunt me all day tomorrow when it shouldn't. Somebody say a little prayer for me (her too). Oh, and a prayer for my Nana. Goodnight.

:: Floydthebarber 5/18/2005 10:19:00 PM [+] ::
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