:: Wednesday, August 20, 2003 ::

I wrote a letter to Megan. It's sort of personal. But then again, I don't feel like safely rephrasing my feelings I just wrote so they are in blog format. Here.

I can understand why you're crying, and no you haven't "skimped" on me at all. I don't know if you're just thinking of tonight when you got offline or not, but you haven't. I know each little convo or phone call means so much between weekends, but don't get hard on yourself please. You aren't a bitch.

Everybody whines. I whine too. I'm whining right now over losing the entire thousands of words I just lost. But you know what? I have seen so much improvement in your "whining" and "bitching" in these past months, it's phenomenal. Don't be so hard on yourself, you honestly don't complain much more than anybody else I know. When you do it's towards me, and this is the part of the letter where I turn it to me.

I completely understand why you feel jealous. If you were telling stuff like that to me, I would get quite a bit upset too. Why do I do this? I don't know, but I compulsively tell you things that just shouldn't be told to you because they do nothing but hurt. I don't want to blame it on past childhood problems like ADHD and shit, but shreds of that must still remain. I can connect all the wires in my brain; I think up something, realize that it would bother you if I said it, but still say it anyways. I don't know why, but I sincerely have been working on what I say, especially to you. I don't want to hurt you ever ever with my words. God, I promise so hard now to try and not do things like that to you, I'm positive that's part of what's driven you to crying yourself to sleep like you are right now. I am at the brink of tears but I need to keep talking my tears are useless when I'm not in your arms...

If you never told me anything about things, like how you feel overshadowed and stepped over, we'd be in big trouble. I'm glad when you tell me things, even if you categorize it as whining. I'm still learning how people work. I don't know what just made me think of that phrase, but I did. I am not perfect and don't have answers for why you do things and can't help it or why the people at school just use you as a bridge to others... but I can offer compassion like nobody else in this world. I love you completely and so greatly I can't express it, and I'm always here to hold you, verbally or physically. I will try harder to not say things that bother you. I will. Or else I'm the most worthless boyfriend ever, and that is the most horrifying thought I could have right now, not being with you, especially because of something I'VE done.

I can be resolved on fixing my phrasing towards you, and you might not think it, but your "whining" will recede with time. No, it will never go away. I dont' want it to go away. I don't want you to fake it and pretend things don't bother you when they do. I don't know how to fix what is bothering you and your subconcious, but maybe we can figure it out together. I love doing anything with you, especially talking about things like this. I won't get angry and I won't be judgemental or anything. I'm here to hold you and love you until the day I die.

I don't know specifically what you mean by 'left out of things' except for the whole SB thing, and maybe my life at school, but neither of those things should bring you down. You do get a lot of attention, especially from me. I drop everything for you in a heartbeat. We can spend friday night together thanks to that fact and if you can pick me up from Ryan's saturday from probably noon-7. See? It'll all be better. The kids at school think I am obsessed with this little thread bracelet I often find myself spinning and kissing throughout the day. They're right, I am. I love being constantly reminded of you, that there is somebody out there who loves me like you do and will always be there, and I will be there for you. Being tethered to you is the single greatest feeling in the world and gift that God has ever given me. Now even I'm crying.

We won't lose anything out of all of this, just get closer. Trust me. I'm sure if I say shitty things less that you won't feel so whiny and thus less whining and thus good things... I guess we're both even in the "things I do that I know I shouldn't do but do anyways that bother both us both" department. I'm always even with you. I love it like that. And I love you.

James

:: Floydthebarber 8/20/2003 11:02:00 PM [+] ::
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