:: Monday, July 28, 2003 ::

First she thinks about it and changes her mind, and now she's going to do it for real. Except this time its completely permanent and final. Christina told me on the phone today from NY that she intends on being adopted by her grandparents, and going to high school there and college and basically start her life anew with everything she's always wanted. A really nice school, supportive "regular" family, new friends, new places, fresh and exciting...not here in NC. I am having an inner battle with myself, I know what is completely right for her and what she should do for HER, but that doesn't mean the caring half of me can't bitch and cry and be upset. I guess it really does suck down here in NC for her, enough so that what I thought was a close friendship with me and her friendship with Carmen, pretty much all she has, aren't enough to keep her here. I honestly think part of it, somewhere down inside her, is the fact that I am dating and completely happy with megan, and our relationship now has a wall on it that she can't cross. I figured there was LOTS OF SPACE on that half of the wall, the friendship half, but I guess not. She started crying on the phone and I was trying to coherently place the pieces together. Then it horrified me. I wasn't crying. I was casualy accepting this news, and speaking the truth that she deserves more than is offered down here and for her to not let just one friendship drag her down from how she is going to live her life, especially if we aren't intimately involved.

I think part of the reason shit. It just hit me. Just now. The tears, right here in mid sentence they've started streaming and I really don't know why. I guess I do and its simple. I love christina so much and she's always there for me and helps me through so much emotionally and she won't be here for that. And honestly sometimes Megan can't be responsive enough to help me I have to end up helping myself through things. I will have absoloutely nobody close to turn to at school. Its nearly impossible for me to make friends at school which is incredibly depressing. Most people have all their friends in school and not so many out, its completely opposite for me.

Why am I severing ties with practically the closest person to me? Because of a concious decision of her which makes me saddest of all. But she said her family is planning on moving up there ANYWAYS, and if she is going to leave ANYWAYS, I guess its right for her to get it over with now before we become closer friends. God how horrible does that sounds. How awful.

Christina was my other half when i'm at school that might sound weird. It was like.....she was the hope and everything I needed to get through the week or days to see Megan and now I won't have that. And I wont' get it back with anybody else because of the way things are at school.

Christina doesn't realize how much its hurting me for her to leave and she has taken the attitude of "you can be angry or sad or whatever, but I'm going so I hope we leave on a good note" I can't sit there and smile with my heart because its not right in my heart. Logically its right but I have never been one to follow logic when not necessary. TUesday will be one of the worst days of my life. I won't ever look into her eyes or laugh with her or be able to talk in person with her about anything which hurts so much. so much... I'm sure I'll move on but I'm still allowed to cry and be upset and wonder what is going to happen next thank God seriously thank you God for the love Megan and I share without it I'd be so lost and failing and confused and unhappy.

:: Floydthebarber 7/28/2003 10:58:00 PM [+] ::
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