:: Thursday, November 04, 2004 ::

Sometimes it's hard being the strong, awesome boyfriend. You have to shoulder all the constant worrying and plight of your girlfriend along with whatever crap you parents and schoolwork are throwing your way. It certainly doesn't help when the parents are nagging really fucking strongly for you to shape up your ways, and in the mean time lose quite a few of the privledges up until that point they had been so gracious in permitting.

Yeah, I get really fatigued from constantly trying to be the positive and supportive and talkative person in a relationship. I don't complain. I figure I'm lucky enough as it is just to have someone, let alone someone who loves me. It would be complaining and cruel though to even think for one second that I'm not getting out of the relationship all that I'm putting in. If I mentioned that she would slip and be worse off, and then whose fault would it be? So you see, just pushing ahead as a positive and nice person as much as possible (albiet with a few playful jibjabs along the way) is the best solution.

But not when you don't... God I feel like crying now... not when you don't have your April. My April. My April My April God why does that make me cry. Why does mentioning a girl who I have lost most of my ties with unfortunately do that still. I don't think I've found a substitute. I couldn't expect to find it in Megan. Given her nature, and the fact that somebody to just talk with about everything going on would keep the weight off of the love relationship and keep it alive. That's not how it's supposed to work, is it? Everything is supposed to be found in the lover relationship. It's never all been there, and I know that. I can't go to her and spill everything I'm thinking and expect her to pull and April and say "yeah, I know what you mean. Well what about this? Have you tried this? What made you consider that over this?" I'm missing the input. I can get all the sympathy in the entire world I need from her but the solutions, the real meat and bones of the response is almost never there. Just an "I'm sorry" or "I love you". They need substance supporting them. I have convinced myself that it is there... she just can't express it. But after so many months you start to wonder if she'll ever really open up and be that kind of person. I need that kind of person. Look what happens when I don't have one. Some crazy shit like parents blasting down on me and It makes the whole situation rather rough to handle. I hope nobody reads this and thinks, "well, I guess he doesn't love Megan anymore!" because I most certainly do. I hope this is just another stupid thing happening within myself that needs sorting and doesn't require any stress on Megan's part, lord knows she has enough.

What the Hell is the overstressed guy here saying, maybe I should try to dump it on her. Nothing's happened in the past though but made her cry. Making girls cry is a bad, bad thing. They usually cry for many reasons all at once and their grief intermingles with each reason so you can't solve the original one you incited.

This was the only thing I was upset about over a year and a half ago. A year and a half ago. I shouldn't be worrying about it still, should I? Should I be able to go to my girlfriend and say "Here's all the horrible shit going on in my life" and expect some real comfort? Mommy and Daddy can pat me on the back and say they love me. Maybe I'm just dreaming up that a girlfriend is supposed to shoulder a little more than that. Maybe there isn't more for her to shoulder and i'm lying to myself. She can do a pretty good job sometimes. Somebody who loves me that much has to have more to say to me though than "I'm sorry" and "I love you". They have to.

I probably completely broke one girl's heart while typing this, which I really hope I haven't. I obviously still love Megan with all of my heart. If I didn't I wouldn't have said anything I've just said. I'll just stick with her until she finds her voice, however long that may be. Either that or I find my April who can help me balance all the shit in my life out.

I wrote a reflection on love in Ms. Lobasso's class this week, and one of the things I said was somewhere along the lines of "last week I spent over two hours one night helping my girlfriend with her Algebra II homework. To me, those two hours of homework are more evidence of my love for her than any two hours of making out on a couch would amount to." Ms. Lobasso unanimously shared it with the class, citing what a mature view of love it was. I just felt like mentioning that here since it's not really something I can mention anywhere else.

This whole blog entry has me pretty fatigued. I'm going sailing this weekend and then I'll see Megan on Sunday. I'm sure I'll be completely fine by then. I just hope she is too. No matter how bleak of a picture I might have painted here, I'm sure it's not as bad as I said it is. The love is still there, which is most important.

:: Floydthebarber 11/04/2004 09:49:00 PM (0) comments [+] ::
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