:: Tuesday, December 27, 2011 ::

better consider hiding this thing asap... gotta clean up my internet presence! facebook timeline demands it so!!

hope you all have a happy new year :)

Labels: 2011, good year, progress, public image

:: Floydthebarber 12/27/2011 09:36:00 PM (0) comments [+] ::
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mmm she's just mad that it's still possible for her to miss me in any way. And that, despite me not being around anymore, she still is unhappy. Seeing me just drudges up feelings of hatred, sadness, things that hinder her from moving on. I get it. I see it. I meet with every intention and effort of having normal, uplifting conversation. I've done all I can to establish a nice equillibrium of friendship, my kind words only go so far in maintaining a relationship. Sometimes I just need to realize when I'm being pushed away, when I'm not wanted, when I'm not needed. I can't fix everything. Some things require my total absence in order to heal.

She's even started to twist the past, to imply perverse accounts of events that serve to reinforce her world view of me being the source of all her troubles. Another mechanism. She just doesn't care enough about me anymore for it to be worth my time. I don't want a friend who wants to be so cold to me. I've been putting up with a double standard this entire year. I guess it took me until mid-December to convince myself that I'm above that. I don't want to live my life like that.

I want to live my life surrounded by people who believe in me. Thankfully there are plenty of others who do :)

Labels: bitter decrescendo

:: Floydthebarber 12/15/2009 02:52:00 PM (1) comments [+] ::
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Maybe this will help. A completely, unashamedly emo blog post online for the whole world to see (read: practically nobody).

I am not over Leah. If my transgressions gave me more resolve to stay with her, they ultimately gave her less. The fact that this took so long, months and months, can be seen as a testament to how much we do love each other. That it's difficult. That neither of us were sure if we wanted this to happen. She's always been more sure than me. I don't know how she does it.

The most painful part of all of this for me is probably, ironically, the speed at which it happened. Things got pretty bad once school started when I, being of course way too optimistic and in love, stayed optimistic in the hopes that we could make something work. Instead, I was ditched at a party and now have been ditched for a new guy. Who she has told me she likes. We went from completely intimate to not speaking to each other in the same month. It's been a terrible September in this regard.

It hurts me that I am supposed to be a good friend to her while she moves on with her life and yet if I happen to find somebody else, she says she won't want to talk to me anymore. So what am I supposed to do? I can't even read her facebook anymore, it's full of cryptic and sweet messages from the new guy... hell, she's even started friending his family members. I can't possibly look at things like that and still be okay with some sort of friendship. Leah and I never had a friendship. As far as I'm concerned we went straight from classmates to lovers. Everything that makes our bond work has happened in the context of her being mine and I being hers. Going to football & basketball games, studying french, watching retarded wedding(cake) shows, dining on campus or out on a date or just cooking at an apartment, marching in pride, visiting friends out of town in Boone, whatever. I don't even know why she wants to stay friends. What can we possibly do together or talk about together or share anymore? Nothing that we used to have, at least. Nothing that I really care about. That's what makes this process so hard.

How does somebody love more than one person? How can I be her "darlin" while some other guy is calling her the same and she likes it? I want to use ridiculous pet names with her too, but I feel like they mean so much less now. "lovey" is banned I'm sure. I really miss being called that. It means so much more than "darlin". Anybody reading this must think I'm a jackass for using the pet name "lovey". Guys can have mushy sentimental feelings too.

I'm not new. Or mysterious. Or tall and muscular. I am not baggage-free and am shitty at taking her out on formal dates (although I insist this would change if our status ever became anything official once more). I tried, at least. I tried to win her back this past year because I would never forgive myself if I didn't try. "when you love something sometimes you must let it go." Bullshit. If you love something, strive for it, live for it, give everything you have toward it and with any luck, love will reciprocate.

Love is one of those funny feelings where even a little thing can set it off. I just noticed I am finally using "toward" instead of "towards" in my writing. This would not cause most people to choke up and pause their writing. Those are the types of memories I am being forced to give up. Or forced to try and either a) make them with nobody or b) make them with somebody else. I don't want either. But it doesn't matter what I want.

I keep telling myself that, I really do. That it doesn't matter what I want. I have no control over this. Like Marc said, the only thing I have control over is my dignity. I've tried to take that to heart. I haven't shown much dignity, sadly. I still break down crying in conversation. I still say things to her in the hope that she will say something loving back, and get upset when the response is instead either neutral or too harsh for my ears. But I'm trying. I'm so busy with other shit and feeling ever so slightly depressed that trying is considered progress by me.

I can never tell if her telling me that she can't be with me right now is a concession to keep me from freaking out about the end of our relationship, or if she truly believes we have some sort of chance someday. I bet it is a combination of the two. Maybe a 30/70 split.

I don't know what else to say at the moment. I'm not eating, studying, or living properly right now. I invested too much into her and now i'm feeling the consequences of that even more acutely. It's like I would rather be half-loved by Leah than not loved at all. That was the decision i've been making since April or so. If i can't have her heart completely, i'll at least cling to what I can and hope things get better. They've gotten as bad as they can be short of us not speaking anymore at all.

I really miss her. Not just the idea of her, or being in love in general. I miss Leah. And I'm so jealous that another guy is with her that I am completely beside myself. If I didn't love her I wouldn't get this upset, I'm sure. It makes me sick to think about. She'll never be mine if I never let her go. She's told me that a thousand times. But letting go of her means letting go of the one person in the entire world that I care about the most. I wish I didn't have to do it.

I don't believe in waiting for the future. I've been exposed to so much death and tragedy in this world that I've realized if I love somebody I might never get a second chance to love them. Life is so short. Every second without her is a second I'm not enjoying life as much as I can. My friends will tell me that I just need to let somebody else into my life, or go at it alone for a while. And they're right. I can't be thinking of Leah while she has moved on to other men. I'll just be sad forever. And nobody wants to be around me if I'm sad forever.

Maybe someday I'll look back on a post like this and think, "oh man, I can't believe I wrote all of that! I sure loved that girl. Boy i was such a college kid drunk on love. Good thing I found so-and-so or else I might still be that sad." Nobody stacks up to her yet. I hope somebody does. I'll at least look. Ever optimistic.

:: Floydthebarber 9/28/2009 05:21:00 PM (0) comments [+] ::
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Boy it's dusty in here... *cough* *wheez* *ahem* ...wow. It's 2009. Hello. This thing is so old, but I'm glad blogger is so integrated into google now... pretty soon google will own us all I am sure of it. I think I need to setup a wordpress blog or something, maybe on my UNC space but there are lots of good places out there on the internets. Something with PHP, mySQL, etc. 

This could be the first time I've ever written in this blog when I was really single. I don't mind though. I have confidence in everybody, including myself. The best is yet to come. 

Labels: UNC

:: Floydthebarber 4/30/2009 02:20:00 PM (0) comments [+] ::
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My goal is to use my madddd php/mySQL skillz acquired in class to revamp this thing. Except I don't even know if I can embed php script into the templates. watch out though! This isn't an empty threat!

:: Floydthebarber 9/18/2008 03:01:00 AM (0) comments [+] ::
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Another musing that is unlikely to come to fruition: spending time developing a website instead of surfing the internets all of the time. Perhaps I am feeling the lack of Computer Science in my curriculum as of late.

I never realized what an odd sensation it is to write purely for one's own benefit and reflection until just this moment, when I have not attempted an update of this blog or anything for months on end. I'd say that the HP notebooks (whose supply is dwindling though Nick promises a resupply shipment in the near future) have supplanted the desire to reflect on the internet. Most of my "thoughts" that I would transcribe here are fleeting and disconnected - more worthy of a scribble in a notepad than a blog. After 6 years of blogging, I can safely say that people on the internet rarely care about what you have to say, especially if it is inconsequential ramblings from your own life.

I'd rather not have this blog become simply a repository for musings of my youth. If I were to start using this site again, I would prefer to divide the content up between things, say, pre-2007 and now to reflect a change in pace and purpose. All talk and no action would be the side to hedge bets on. Maybe I can find a simple Blogger Firefox addon that makes putting the effort of placing words into this less taxing.

I probably would not use this site for videogame musings, as I have several in the queue and more forthcoming with no start or end in sight for me picking up gaming again on more than the most casual of levels. Mario Galaxy, Metroid Prime, Paper Mario, hell even Link's Crossbow Training or whatever the hell it is all need more attention before turning my sights towards Advance Wars or Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I can't believe that the entire lifespan of the blog has passed since the last Super Smash Bros. game, over SIX AND A QUARTER YEARS by the release in March. Insane. Oh how the world was different back in the day.

Short quip about my personal life: it's going alright. Classes are ok, relationships are ok, and the future looks bright. I suppose blogging was more interesting when life involved more angsty emo-ramblings. Just be glad I didn't post anything from, say, mid-September to mid-December!

:: Floydthebarber 2/19/2008 04:36:00 PM (0) comments [+] ::
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Oh and Constant Change at the cary plumbing tourney :D

:: Floydthebarber 11/09/2007 02:43:00 AM (0) comments [+] ::
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Add to the list of amazing bands seen this year: Hackensaw Boys (as well as Songs from the Road)

:: Floydthebarber 11/09/2007 02:43:00 AM (0) comments [+] ::
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